Goals redefined

Know your limits, but never stop trying to exceed them. 
 ~Author Unknown

My 265lbs back squat attempt.  I pulled it out of the bottom but couldn't get it over parallel.
I can't wait for the day we meet again.

     Wow, I cannot believe that it has been close to a month since I have posted.  Life has been happening nonstop here in Georgia.  The weather has been beautiful, the birds are singing, the azaleas are blooming, and I've accomplished some much needed soul searching.  I had a goal when I started at World Camp Crossfit.  It was to lose 60lbs.  I am by all the technical terms OBESE and being treated for hypertension and type 2 diabetes.  My weight still fluctuates from 245lbs to 250lbs.  I have always had a problem with overeating, and it has not changed.  That is something that is a constant battle.  Some days I win, some days I lose.
     If I've lost that battle, how can I win the war?  Today, I've redefined my goals on my journey to be FIT.  No matter how many times I tell myself that the scale is not my judge; I still step on it.  The only thing that has pulled me out of the obsession is my Personal Records (PRs).  I am stronger than I could have ever imagined at this point in my training.  I have a 305lbs dead lift under my belt, a 125lbs press, a 145lbs push press (which was easy), and a 235lbs back squat.  I am pleased with my progress in the weightlifting.
     I'm adding a newer dimension to my redefinition of the FIT me!  Double-unders, kipping pull ups, and dips.  This is going to be quite an undertaking since the last two are body weight movements.  I will practice these at least three times a week on my own apart from my WOD.  Next week is going to be quite difficult since I will be on "vacation" in Key West visiting the husband.  I will work on my jump roping skills and continue to do my strength everyday.

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”

Karen Ravn

Moments Make the Day

     “Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

Henry Miller

     The WOD is a formidable opponent.  When you get to the end of it, collapse, and think about what you just overcame the world makes a little more sense.  I was driving home with my window down thinking about this past month.  It has been an amazing journey for me with the help of everyone at World Camp Crossfit.  The coaches are amazing, and I am going to miss Evan when he leaves to follow his dream in Florida.  It's not about the coaches even though they are intimidating (especially during wall sits when you want to put your hands against the wall but Evan is toting a 20lb med ball to throw at you).  I've found so many encouraging women and men.  Some of them, I don't even know their names but they smile and tell me that I can do it.  It's that split second when you overcome your worst fear when you realize it's easier to give up physically; however, you know that giving up is not an option mentally.  
     I believe in my body more than I ever have in the past.  Today, I thought I was not going to be able to finish my last round of the workout.  With two minutes remaining, I dropped my kettle bell and began my 10 walking lunges.  I returned to the kettle bell.  I picked up the 35lbs and kept saying "this is it" over and over in my head.  This is what I've been training for, the ability to overcome my weaknesses.  I also surprised myself in the burpee department.  I despise burpees... so when we found out their role in the WOD today, I felt myself heave a sigh.   I was about to set myself up for failure.  Then I realized I have nothing to lose by pushing myself through them.  I believe it made a big difference in how the rest of the workout went.  
     I miss my husband terribly right now.  He knows that I am working out, but has no idea I'm crossfitting.  I'm hoping to see him in about a month.  The Coast Guard's schedule changes so much especially when they are on patrol.  I'm proud he is out there doing his part to stop illegal immigration, drug smugglers, and terrorists.  I want him to come home so I can talk on the phone with him.  This emailing is tiring and when he does get to call the phones are terrible.    I hope he appreciates the work I've put into myself.  If I can find that dang tape measure, I'll put up my measurements... for now back to taking care of my grandmother.

"I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living."
— Anaïs Nin

The Story of Who I Am...

"No they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do, and I was made for you"

~Brandi Carlile, The Story

   

    I have been in the dark for so long about who I am, who I want to be, and what I was made to be.  I want to share the part of me that is finally able to be free of every doubt I had about myself and my capabilities.  I've been depressed for almost half of my life because of one thing or another.  Bullies, negative body image, lack of self-worth, rejection, and abuse are a few of the things I've experienced in my past 27.5 years of life.  It still hurts inside to know that I allowed myself to be subjected to the cruelty of others and myself.  We are all our harshest critics.  Let me tell you where I found myself three weeks ago.

     I'd had enough of my pity party.  I was tired of feeling trapped inside my grandmother's house.  I love her deeply and that is why I chose to be away from my husband because deep down there is a purpose.  She watched me grow up and now, I am watching her final stage of life.  There is no doubt in my mind that Alzheimer's is the long goodbye.  While she does not need constant supervision, I decided that my scholarly endeavors were no longer holding my interest.  I turned to the only thing that I knew could make me whole again, and that was my body.  

     I decided to join World Camp Crossfit.  That was three weeks ago.  I feel AMAZING!!! They are not a gym and are not pushing yearly memberships down my throat... HELLO!!! I have found a place of like minded people!  They are dedicated to building me up and making me stronger! I don't feel pressured to step on a scale everyday and wonder while the needle bounces back and forth if I'm going to measure myself self worth based upon the number on which it lands.  This is my time now! I will NOT buy another fitness magazine, I will NOT pressure myself to be a number on the scale, I will NOT enable my body to make poor choices, I will NOT give up, and I will NOT feel sorry for myself.  I WILL be strong, I WILL make good decisions, I WILL stand tall, I WILL never give up, I WILL struggle, and I WILL succeed.  

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

- Albert Camus